Winning!

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

Some weeks are so stressful that when you get to the end you are proud you made it. Basically, I triumphed.

Glad to have some laughter and Chinese food with dear friends before starting another week tomorrow! This one should be less stressful.

Awkward…but awesome?

I’m not your average girl.

This has made life much more complicated than you can imagine. It has made finding deep friendships difficult. It has also led to complete disasters in the dating realm that left me feeling like I didn’t fit in.

It is funny that I have felt like I didn’t fit in. I was one of the popular kids in high school and college. Feeling this way has forced me to be comfortable in my own skin. I always thought I was but I don’t know if I truly was comfortable until recently.

There is not a category I fit into easily. There are times I’m a complete tomboy. I LOVE football and most sports. (Except for basketball….which is stupid because you only have to watch the last two minutes of any game. The rest of the game is just the teams going back and forth.) I spend Saturdays in the fall watching football with my father and uncle. We usually toss something on the grill in the evening and graze on appetizers during the day. We discuss players, rules and bad calls. And I love it. I feeds my soul. I’ve also been known to spend summers watching baseball, and Sundays watching golf. I also always loved beer…and until recently it was definitely a “guy thing” and people thought it was weird that I, as a female, enjoyed it. I even like guy movies. Field of Dreams is actually one of my favorites. I’m a strong, outgoing personality with a dirty sense of humor. My inner monologue has a terrible sailor mouth, but I try my very hardest to be a lady and keep that in my head.

It isn’t enough to share some interests that males do. I’m also incredibly girly. I own an insane amount of purses, shoes and jewelry. (Sparkly things are always fun.) I have a huge closet that is busting at the seams with clothes. I love wearing heels…even though I’m already mammoth at 5’11”. Wearing heels when I go out makes me taller than pretty much every guy I run into. (Don’t feel too bad for me…it makes it easy to find my friends in a crowd!) However, the majority of men are not ok with dating someone as tall as I am. The average height of the American male is 5’10” while the average height of the American female is 5’4″. This makes me 1 inch taller than the average male and gives me over half a foot on the average female! I’ve had over 29 years to come to terms with always being the tall girl. If only society could catch up and be ok with me being tall. (I’m looking at YOU, gentlemen.)

I’m also feminine in the way I love. Due to my boisterous personality people wrongly assume that I want to wear the pants in the relationship. I do not want to be the strong lead. At all. When I’m in a relationship I enjoy loving and taking care of my man more than anything! I love cooking for him and doing things just because I know it will make him happy. I like surprising him with the creative ways I love and I always make sure is happy…in all aspects. I delight in trying to complement his personality and cover his weaknesses. Learning about what interests him by having him teach me is so much fun. The guys I’ve dated, even after our relationships ended, have always told me what a truly wonderful girlfriend I was, and I take pride in that! I actually work at that and enjoy it.

Sadly, most people I meet view me as one of the guys. This makes females view me as one of the guys as well, and not someone they could be close to. It makes males see me as one of the guys and not as someone they would date. It is incredibly frustrating.

One place I do fit in is the “sick kid” category. I loathe that. I hate that having had a traumatic brain injury still defines who I am. It is not what I am, but rather part of what made me who I am today. How many other people do you know who have had 8 brain surgeries and now have extra parts in their brain?! I’m trying to convince myself that they are slowly making me a superhero, but I’ve yet to see any of the signs. No x-ray vision, no superhuman feats of strength, and certainly no speedy flying. I guess that is a good thing. I imagine saving the world would get stressful over time.

If I’ve learned anything from my past it is that changing who I am to try and fit into a category better makes me incredibly unhappy. I have to be me. I have to embrace who I am and be completely content. I know that those guys and gals who do love me are so true and honest. Maybe I should be happy that I can so easily weed out the good friends from the bad? Yet, it doesn’t change feelings of loneliness that occasionally creep up on me, and ultimately it makes me angry that I even feel that way!

So I shall continue to push on through life and embrace who I am, even if others (including my family) don’t. I’m hoping this post serves as a reminder that I fricking kick ass. When I’m going through old things I’ve written I want to see this and reminisce on a time where I felt awkward and out of place…which will hopefully be the farthest thing from how I feel at that moment.

Warm Fuzzies

Sometimes you just need to be thankful for the little things.

Happines is having stacks of cookbooks around you and filling a notbook with ideas of things to cook for the people you love.

Truffles from the Chocolate Bar don’t hurt either

I also have a major road trip bug!  Somewhere like  Austin. San Antonio, or Fredericksburg.  I need some open road, some great tunes, and pretty scenery   For that matter, I’d enjoy Luling and visiting the old mill.  I just love talking and getting to know someone.  My heart needs this.  Any takers?

Aslo, Stargazing (one of my favorite things) need to happen…soon.

Memories

Something happened tonight. It is something so rare that I treasure it ever single time it happens.

My brain found a memory.

There are so many things you take for granted until you have a traumatic brain injury. Memories are one of those things.

It is strange what brought it back. I bought the shampoo I used when I was a teenager. The smell of it made something flash into my mind that I hadn’t been able to remember since before my brain damage. It was exhilarating to remember a moment I’d already lived and enjoyed. After having a crappy week sometimes it is the simplest thing that make us cry and say a prayer of thankfulness in the shower.

The memory was silly and nothing particularly special, but it was intoxicating!

As the smell of the shampoo filled my nostrils I had a flash back of the summer before my freshman year of college. I was freshly 17 and working at an oil company until school started. Working full days and getting a decent paycheck allowed me to sneak some of that money away for my favorite thing. Concerts!

There is nothing like sweating your butt off in the middle of a steamy summer night on the gulf coast, with 20,000 fellow music fans and one awesome band. The exact memory was smelling of marijuana (not mine) and sweat and taking a nice long shower before collapsing into bed, filled with happiness. The 30 seconds of exhaustion I felt before falling asleep was amazing. I’d wake up the following day and think of what concert was on my schedule next so I could do it all over again.

It is strange having a moment you can’t share with anyone in your life. Something so amazing that you want to shout it from the rooftops…but no one would understand. The nice thing is that I’m happy just treasuring it by myself.

Now to make some new memories!

Memories

Something happened tonight.  It is something so rare that I treasure it ever single time it happens.

My brain found a memory.

There are so many things you take for granted until you have a traumatic brain injury.  Memories are one of those things.

It is strange what brought it back.  I bought the shampoo I used when I was a teenager.  The smell of it made something flash into my mind that I hadn’t been able to remember since before my brain damage.  It was exhilarating to remember a moment I’d already lived and enjoyed.  After having a crappy week sometimes it is the simplest thing that make us cry and say a prayer of thankfulness in the shower.

The memory was silly and nothing particularly special, but it was intoxicating!

As the smell of the shampoo filled my nostrils I had a flash back of the summer before my freshman year of college.  I was freshly 17 and working at an oil company until school started.  Working full days and getting a decent paycheck allowed me to sneak some of that money away for my favorite thing.  Concerts!

There is nothing like sweating your butt off in the middle of a steamy summer night on the gulf coast, with 20,000 fellow music fans and one awesome band.  The exact memory was smelling of marijuana (not mine) and sweat and taking a nice long shower before collapsing into bed, filled with happiness.  The 30 seconds of exhaustion I felt before falling asleep was amazing.  I’d wake up the following day and think of what concert was on my schedule next so I could do it all over again.

It is strange having a moment you can’t share with anyone in your life.  Something so amazing that you want to shout it from the rooftops…but no one would understand.  The nice thing is that I’m happy just treasuring it by myself.

Now to make some new memories!