7 Dream Careers I’ve Wanted & How I’m Still Fulfilling The Dreams, Without the Careers

I’m the first to admit that I’m a dreamer.  I’m a huge romantic too but I think the two go hand-in-hand.  I think everyone has dreams of what they want to be when the grow up.  Then again, I turned thirty this year and I’m STILL growing up.  I’m still learning and I’m still making mistakes.  But here are 7 things I dreamed and hoped with all my heart and soul that I’d get to do some day, and how I’m now keeping parts of these dreams alive.

Job: Princess

Background:  I was a little girl once.  A girly girl.  I was all about the idea of going to fancy balls, wearing tiaras, and waving to my subjects.

Reality:  There is still a HUGE part of me that is a girly girl.  However, I seem to live in this dichotomy of being a sports loving, sometimes 12-year-old-boy humor appreciating, secretly dirty minded female AND being really girly in other ways.  There are still parts of me that are a little princess, but I like to think I’ve picked up a more modern and realistic view of monarchy.  I involve myself in charity work, and I tend to be very polite and use good manners.   But I’m not going to lie, I still want to wear a fabulous tiara on occasion. I  quench these desires of princessdom by secretly reminding myself that I’m a direct descendant of the Polish monarchy…and that I’m basically a badass.

Job: Wife & Mother

Background: I was fortunate enough to be raised in a loving family where my mother had the opportunity to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.  Since I’m the oldest, I was her right hand man and learned from her.  She gave me an appreciation of cooking, cleaning, and helping others in the family.  She was a first hand example of sacrificial love.  I adore family.  And I wanted to be a wife and mother.

Reality: I’m unable to have children.  Having this knowledge before being married and trying for children has been difficult.  It has ended every truly serious relationship I’ve had since.  Half of me understands.  If you really long for children, I’m not the woman who can give you that.  The other half of me feels incredibly hurt by being rejected for something beyond my control.  I resigned myself to the fact that I probably won’t marry.  So just how am I keeping this dream alive?  Well for starters, I’m a fabulous mom of a black lab.  And let me tell you…that is more work than you can imagine because he is a troublemaker.  I’ve also decided to love, spoil, and create relationships with the children I do have in my life.  Just because it might be my best friend’s child, doesn’t mean they couldn’t benefit from my love too.

Job: Olympic Level Athlete
Background:  I’ve always dreamed of having the grace of an athlete.  Both of my siblings were Olympic level athletes.  I wanted to excel in sports too!
Reality: I. Have. No. Coordination.  At all.  For serious. I like to think it is maybe…just maybe…charmingly adorable.  I’m keeping this dream alive by being a kickass Ping Pong player.  If I worked hard enough at it maybe I could even follow in the footsteps of Forrest Gump and be a world champion!

Job: Neonatologist
Background:  I graduated from high school at the age sixteen and had lofty ideas of going into medicine.  I was a bit of an overachiever.  I wanted to be a doctor that dealt with babies in the womb, or born prematurely, a Neonatologist.
Reality:  I quickly discovered that I really, really hate biology classes.  So that was out.  I was happy to leave this dream fully in my past!  I soon started thinking about what I really loved…

Job: Journalist
Background: …and what I really, really loved was the news.  I still love it.  On days I’m at home I usually have a 24 hours news network on mute in the background.  (I want to be up-to-date on breaking news!) There is no bones about it, I’m a news junkie…and I love to write.  So I was going to be a journalist.  The thought of taking the news to the people was exciting to me!  Living in the moment of exactly what was happening sounded like so much fun.
Reality: A brain injury took away my ability to do any sort of technical writing.  I’m keeping my dreams of being a journalist alive by obsessively reading news stories, and writing creatively…which I’m still able to do.  I’m also pretty opinionated about most things, even if I don’t always make my opinions known.  I look at it like having my own, private, running editorial column in my head.

Job: Chef

Background:  I love to cook.  The act of stuffing the tummies of the ones I love with yummy stuff fills my heart with all sorts of warm fuzzies!  How awesome would it be to spend all my time cooking?

Reality: Real chefs work hard.  Really hard.  And they don’t just cook for people they love, but for angry, picky, unappreciative customers.  Plus, most of them are line chefs.  I wouldn’t enjoy that.  It would take all the joy out of cooking for me.  Instead of doing it professionally, I’m educating myself, experimenting, and rocking my own recipes in my very own kitchen, for my very own nearest and dearest.  I’m also about to publish our second family cookbook.  (And everyone who gets a Christmas Card from anyone in our family next year will also get a cookbook!)

Job: Owner of a Football Team

Background.  Duh.  Who doesn’t want to own a professional sports team?!

Reality: Well, I’m dominating in my family/friends football pool.  That has to count for something, right?  I’ll keep working on this one while I cheer on my beloved Green Bay Packers.

For now I’m happy with my main job.  I’m the mom of one very cool black lab named Riggins.  And, after all, he’s pretty damn cute!

Being a Selfish Sally

After having week of bad news and feeling like I’ve been a crazy woman, I took a “me” day.

It was so amazing! I didn’t do anything too special, but I did the things that feed me soul. All the things that I never find the time to do.

One thing I’ve started realizing with age is that there are times when you need to be selfish. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others.

I adore loving those in my life. When I was 17, my uncle committed suicide. He was one of my six uncles and one of them that I was closer to. It shook me to my core. He left a wife and two little boys. He was truly the uncle who would never do something like that.

At the time, I was in college. I took my mother to the airport very early the next morning. She needed to be with her family immediately so she took the first flight out.

After taking her to her early flight, I showed up late to class in my pajamas. It was one of my favorite classes and was taught by an amazing professor who adored me. I must have looked like hell with my eyes red and puffy from crying. I’m sure my exhaustion was visible. He STOPPED his lecture, walked over to me in the front row, and leaned in to softly speak to me. He asked me what was wrong. I gave him a one sentence answer. He told me to go home and be with my family. He said, “some things are more important than being in class.”

The professor never knew it but his simple act of kindness was such a support to me in a time that I desperately needed all the love and support I could get.

This event in my life helped shape who I am. It made me want to wrap my arms around every person in my life and tell them how important they were to me. I wanted to tell them how crucial they were to my sanity and happiness.

Since that dreadful day almost 12 years ago I’ve strived to love so hard that my loved ones never have any doubt about it. The amazing thing? I happen to love doing it much more than I ever could have imagined.

The downside to loving people so hard is that I often sacrifice my health and sanity to do that. I forget to take some time to recharge my batteries. I always realize this once I’m close to snapping. I start to crumble emotionally before I do and when I finally notice that I shut down and become a burden to those same people I care for. That was earlier this week.

So on this glorious Friday, I rocked taking care of myself. I made a nice breakfast. I went back to bed. I talked with a dear friend on the phone. I had a few spoonfuls of ice cream at 10:30am! That was followed by catching up on my stories and cleaning up my DVR. Then I listened to music and painted. (I’d like to get back to showing in galleries!) I played in the water with my dog. She was exhausted and crashed for a nap while I made dinner. (Fabulous grilled shrimp, flavorful rice and fresh peas. It got rave reviews from my fam. They said it was the best shrimp they’d ever had…but I refused to divulge my secret!)

I took a drive to get some nail polish. I picked up a few things at the grocery store and headed home. I spent time laughing with my father and catching my mother up on the happenings in my life. I made late night pizza. I read in bed while my puppy chewed on a bone. Finally, I started baring my soul in this post. When the tears came Molly dog crawled up to me and laid her head in my lap. (It is crazy how she picks up on my emotions.) I can’t wait to enjoy some special “me” time in bed and drift off to sleep. The best kind of “me” time of all! 😛

I look forward to returning to loving my friends again next week!

Tomorrow I return to laundry, cleaning, and spending time at the hospital with my grandmother. She had a bad fall last week and I know what a comfort it is to have someone with you in the hospital.

I love my family and friends, and I’ll continue to try and remember that I love me. I’ll start with that tomorrow…by going for a jog!

In Sickness…With No Health

I’m so frustrated with life and I need to vent.

Every once in a while I reach the point where I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just reach my breaking point of illness and cannot take one more moment of it. Days spent being in bed and doing nothing productive turn into weeks and I’m reminded that my life is abnormal. The frustration of being unable to work and be what society considers an “adult” makes me feel completely inadequate. I am a total failure and it is beyond my control and ability to fix.

I’m a planner. Illness has taken away my ability to plan. I’ve canceled so many social engagements that I’ve pretty much lost all my friends over the years. People have moved on. Doctors, lawyers, marriage, children. All things I don’t expect to experience. (Deal with my pity party. I need it right now.)

My CSF pressure is high right now. Not high enough to warrant a spinal tap, but I almost want one just to get some pain relief. Even if is just for a day or two. I’ve had over 100 spinal taps at this point. I’m pretty sure I could perform one. Seriously…I have to tell the doctor where to insert the super long needle because of all the scar tissue I have. I feel like I should get a discount for doing their job for them! 😉

Lupus is also killing my body right now. As if the side effects of the disease aren’t enough, immunosuppressants are making me pick up every cold in the world. I feel like I’ve had a sore throat and a cough for months. Lupus is also attacking my lungs. (My weakest part of my body.) I’m largely trying to hide this from my family. I feel that they think I’m a burden and I complain far too much. I think they want me to “push” myself but I know it will just make me sicker.

Steroids are pretty much the most evil drugs ever. They can make you feel so much better, but the side effects suck. I’m getting the classic “moon face” that is so incredibly round. Acne is awesome. So are the mood swings and my desire to eat every single thing in sight. Mood swings are hellish when you have Bipolar Disorder and OCD. My OCD is crazy out of control right now. But at least my kitchen counters are crazy clean! Also, bruising so easily makes people in stores think I’m a battered wife. It is rough sleeping with a 100lb dog sometimes. Good thing she is so adorable! The nausea is the stupidest thing ever. I’m getting tied of ginger salad dressing and ginger ale very night. I don’t even like ginger!

I really try to put things in perspective and be thankful for the little things. Not sitting in an Emergency Room for twelve hours and rocking in pain as they put me though a bunch of tests is something to be happy about. To be completely honest, I miss the morphine. I just want one headache free day. I leave a night out with friends and usually cry in the car on the way home because I’m in so much pain.

I need friends. I need relationships. I need to be able to make plans in advance. I need to be able to hop in a car and go hang out at a moment’s notice. People are very unforgiving and don’t understand. I truly believe if they did they’d be willing to have more patience. However, I don’t blame them. I can’t. They just haven’t experienced it so they can’t understand.

So here is to hoping 2013 brings more healthy days than sick ones and that I make the most of the good days without killing myself by pushing too hard!